Log in

No account? Create an account

So ive started seeing thomas , and well we keep fighting breaking up, then making up and getting back together. and its doing my head in . i dont know if wanna be with him anymore . i cant take the stress , and everyone butting into our "relationship" ... i wish people would keep their mouths shut, and let me and him get on with it .
i miss him and i do like him dont get me wrong, its just so hard to make it work ...
i think i should just give up to be honest its just not worth it anymore

Feb. 14th, 2011

You know hes the one..
Hes what dreams are made from..
The reason you wake up in moring..
Why you listen and sing to cheesey love song..
When your sad and down hes the first voice you wanna hear.. 
when he hold your hand and you with every touch you get butterflys..

And most of all its because he makes you happy, more than anyone else in the world...

Feb. 13th, 2011

Don't you just hate it when the one person you want to speak to,doesn't want to even know you your alive anymore. We havn't spoken in months, i can't even remember why? Must of been something so stupid. Every day i miss him, more and more.. Yet i know that it doesnt change anything. And thats okay. I'll get over it. Its not the end of the world, even though it feels like it sometimes. However what ever it was, i spend most of my time wishing i could take it back . no matter how many tears hit the floor, stain my pillows, run down my face, its never going to bring him back.

When i think back to our good times, i smile, i wish i do somthing to go back there and pause the moment for awhile. Through all our bad times, i wish i could delete them. But i cant. And no matter how much i want to, the fact is he is gone. Me and him are over. End the book. and end of us. Its not pretty, its not nice, its just simple plain old life. At one point i was everything to him, now im nothing. I cry, and i cry, yet he doesnt see, i scream for him, yet he cant hear me, i look for him, but hes never around, instead I'm left alone.

Its been so long, I'm kind of used to it, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wait for him sometimes, in the place i used to meet him. Yet he doesnt show, maybe because he doesnt know i'm there. I stand there for hours at a time, hope he'll walk past, maybe even stop and talk to me, a smile or a nod. But it never happends.

Hes moving away soon, i wont get the chance to say goodbye, i think that will be my biggest regret. After all how do you say goodbye to the one you love, he would'nt listen even if i tryed too . I play over what i would say in my head, when i try to say it out loud, the words don't seem to come out.. Their stuck in my throat. If was to say goodbye it would sound like this....

I know we dont speak anymore, and i dam wish we did.. I want you to know that even though we've fallen out, that i'll miss you. Even more than i already do. I know i didnt say it enough, but you mean everything to me, and i can't picture my world without you living in it. to know that your leaving hurts me so much. To the point where I'm scared to live without you. I'm so sorry for whatever made us fall out, i wanna take that day back. But i cant. And i im so so so sorry for that. not matter what i say to you right now isnt going to stop you from leaving, and i know that, but you need to know that i love you. more than anyone else. . . Im tried of missing you.

The moment i spark up, i flash back . I see his face. I smile. Then in a matter of minutes, i Break down. Even cry once in a while. Yet Fags are the only thing that brings him back, Hes gone but for that 5 minutes i smoke, Hes not gone hes right there, with me. And for that moment everything is okay, for a little while. Then i remember how bad it got, How we left things between us. We hated each other, Now i regret that more than anything else in this world. But he was everything to me. Now theres nothing. Im quiting soon, Letting him go in a way... I think its time, move on. Be happy with someone else. But he'll always be mine, to me...

Dec. 13th, 2010

Every time i see his name written, Or come up on a t.v screen, i automatically Think about him, every time, without fail. You know i used to think it was sign. Like we were supposed to be together. Like someone was trying to tell me he was "the one". But then i realized that maybe it wasn't a sign, maybe it was to say "time to get over him" . But none the less every time i see his name, i flash back to the time we were together, To a time were we actually happy. I had so many dreams for me and him, But now i guess its time to wake up. But when i do see his name, there's still hope in my heart for us. Maybe not now, but one day... Who knows? After all love is what dreams are made of .... J.A.M.E.S My dream,,

Dec. 12th, 2010

If i could write down the most perfect words in history for you i would, But i don't have the words to say, how that some day hopefully not to long away that your realiZe that the words i do i wanna say to you, are exactly the right words. And that you feel the same way i do.

The words i wanna say to you are that, I've never met anyone quite like you. You make me smile, make me laugh, Make me cry, in both good ways and bad. Yet your not perfect, and i wouldn't want you to be. I could never change a single thing about you. Your imperfections are what made me fall for you, they are what makes you today. and most of all i wanna tell you, that your amazing, strong, brave and kind and that one day i hope that you might find the right words for me. But anyways I'm just some teenage college girl, what do i know?... All i know is that I love you . And always have. And i wanna make you mine. JSA F&A ... (L)

L.O.V.E - The reason why everythink is okay. The reason for smiling so much ... love jut because you can.. And love everyone who loves you back... Family, Friends , and that one person that they call "the one" .. :)

LOVE it makes people crazy !! ... But i wouldn't change it.. Its amazing .. JAMES ..

Drink Drugs Sex party's and the lads...

So this was my life. Drunk most weekends.. Just having a laugh with the bitches and the lads. Weed, Pills.. Just because everyone else was doing them . It seemed okay at the time. I mean if everyone was ... Why not me? Sex.. Easiest way to get the guy you want. Easy way to keep them looking your way. Party's.. Let down your hair .. dance .. drink and have a good night. The lads... The best giggle ever. Attention from them was amazing. Always getting what i wanted from them because they wanted me.

But i realied this was no life. This was a lie...  Yet this was me, this was the person i became. Now looking back i don't regret any of it, yet i wouldn't chnage any of it either. Because this stupid life made me a better person .. to who I am today .

I still drink .. Drugs .. not really.. Party's yes of course I am a teenager after all ... Sex... only for love. Lads well .. lets jut say its okay to have a bit of fun .. now and again. 


Dec. 11th, 2010

In a matter of days i will be 17. Another year has past. Yet its gone so fast, its like the world is all moving yet im standing still. anyways whats another year?  Looking back on this year, I've had some amazing times, memorys i will never forget. Highs and lows through the year. Through all the bad times and the good. I wouldn't change any of it. Regrets, mistakes, broken dreams, i wouldn't change any of them. They've made me what i am today. And to be honest, i love making mistakes, because you get the beauty of fixing them at the end.

To re-cap whats happend to me over the year, that i can remember:-
New year party... 2010 :) an amazing night , with my family.
January... Callums house .. a mini party, me callum james and amy.
febuary 5th.. Me and James broke up for the last time.
running away.. Glasgow with amy.. Very drunk.
May... The 3 camping trips.. weekend after weekend. Ended badly.. kick out of my house.
Middle of May.. I Wasn't allowed to see Julie...
June.. The start of my exams..
End of June.. End of exams... And saunas house party .. Very drunk. amy beaten by her dad.
July... me and Julie went to clydebank... without her mum knowing.. i got taken to the train station by the police... banned from TKMAX
Said goodbye to all my loved ones .. and left scotland.. for college in south...
Started college...
Went back to scotland .. for Halloween ... Vodka.. Beer .. Wine.. in my back garden.. Rachel .. amy .. me .. lanky.. and sean .
Lanky stole a bottle of wine and then vodka.. in the park drinking it .. :)
went back to south .. back to college.. back to normal ..
And now in 5 days i will 17...
then nearly xmas..
then a new year to begin.

So alot has happend.. some very bad times ... but i still wouldn't change anything. Because this was my year .. my summer.. my life .. this year was me.. and next year who knows?

Writer's Block: Best song of the year

What is the best song of 2010?

Only Girl in the world :) FUCKING JAMMIN !